Back to the office? First get your office certificate!

The office is about to get crowded again. After the summer holidays, employees are returning, while more employers are demanding that staff spend more time at the workplace.

Japke-d. Bouma writes that companies justify the policy with team spirit, creativity, innovation and “connection”. She dismisses those arguments as unconvincing. ABN Amro, she notes, wants to include a requirement in its collective labor agreement that employees spend at least half their time in the office. The bank says this will strengthen connections and help train younger colleagues.

Bouma says the return will include not only people coming back from holiday, but also employees who have worked from home for years. A manager at a large company warned her that office etiquette had “completely faded” for such workers and suggested an update course with rules that could be hung beside the coffee machine.

Her answer is the office certificate. Every office worker would have to qualify before participating in Dutch office life. The satirical scheme sets a deadline of March 1, 2027, followed by a theory exam each October and a practical test in December. A points-based driving-license system would strip the certificate after 10 points.

Three reply-all messages sent to more than 50 people would earn two points. Reheating mackerel in the department kitchen would earn five. Using the word “impact” would mean taking the exam again. Managers who hold lunch meetings or organize unnecessary introductions would be fired automatically. Bouma insists that she alone would decide who receives the certificate, excluding steering groups, ISO certification, PowerPoints, task forces, training companies and agile coaches.

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completely faded