“Being Available Does Not Mean Being at Someone’s Disposal”

Being a grandparent can offer wellbeing, a sense of continuity and the feeling of being useful and connected. It can also allow people to rediscover aspects of their own children’s childhood, this time with more room for play, tenderness and passing things on.

But there is no single model of grandparenthood. It changes with time and circumstance, and gender and social class shape the experience. Grandmothers continue to take on more daily care than grandfathers, reproducing differences in caregiving that often persist throughout life. In families with fewer resources, where paid support is difficult to obtain, intergenerational solidarity can become essential. Grandparents may then serve as a central part of the family’s organization, not simply as playmates.

The problem begins when help stops being a choice and becomes an obligation. Research cited in the article finds an important difference between limited care, which can bring satisfaction, and permanent responsibilities, which can be linked to greater stress and poorer health. The Spanish doctor Guijarro Morales popularized the phrase “slave grandmother syndrome” to describe older women facing excessive family demands. Although the term itself is debatable, it gave a name to a continuing difficulty: saying no.

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I adore them, but one day I realized that if I continued caring for them every day, I would end up angry with my children and also with my grandchildren.

“One day I realized that if I continued caring for them every day, I would end up angry with my children and also with my grandchildren,” one patient told the author. Today’s retirees may have their own projects, friendships, partners, travel and activities. Longer life spans can make old age last for decades, and affection does not necessarily mean they want to organize their lives around raising children.

Demographic change is adding another layer. People live longer, fewer children are born, and parenthood is delayed, which can postpone grandparenthood or mean it never happens. There are more older people and fewer grandchildren, while some reach old age without becoming grandparents because their children remain childless or have emigrated. “I always thought that one day I would have grandchildren. Only now do I understand that it probably will not happen,” another patient said.

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I always thought that one day I would have grandchildren. Only now do I understand that it probably will not happen.