Complaining About a Friend Can Make You More Likable, Study Finds

Complaining about a friend to another friend might sound rude, but research indicates it can actually make you more likable. Experts found that venting frustrations about one friend to another can be an effective way to gain their favor. However, they caution against excessive aggression, as anger or belittling can backfire.

Psychologists at the University of California, Los Angeles, asked participants to listen to recordings of a fictional friend complaining about a mutual friend who canceled plans last minute. Participants then rated their feelings toward the speaker and the friend on an 11-point scale. The analysis revealed that participants who heard the speaker complain about the friend who canceled plans liked the speaker more than the friend.

This effect, however, did not hold when speakers belittled or gossiped about the other person. In another experiment, venting or complaining backfired when researchers implied the complainer was a rival to the other friend. In those cases, participants did not like the complainer more than the friend they were complaining about.

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We didn't have a good explanation for what complaining or venting gives us. So we tested a new theory, that under certain conditions, complaining can make people we complain to support us more than the people we complain about.

Researchers concluded that venting makes the speaker more likable only when listeners do not perceive the speaker as aggressive toward the friend being discussed. Complaining can be an effective tool for gaining favor precisely because it is not recognized as 'competition.' Lead author Jaimie Krems stated, "We didn't have a good explanation for what complaining or venting gives us. So we tested a new theory, that under certain conditions, complaining can make people we complain to support us more than the people we complain about."

She added that they concluded, "As much as people readily admit that we compete for the time and affection of romantic partners, they seem less willing to acknowledge competition for friends." The benefits of being more liked among friends include receiving preferential treatment. Additionally, having friends is linked to improved health and longevity. Previous studies suggested women who gossip do so out of jealousy and low self-esteem. Researchers found women more frequently report high levels of romantic jealousy if another woman is considered attractive. This, in turn, is linked to a higher chance of gossiping about them, according to the Daily Mail.

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As much as people readily admit that we compete for the time and affection of romantic partners, they seem less willing to acknowledge competition for friends.