Couples therapy: 'Best time for couples therapy? Before going to the registry office'

Many couples wait until their relationship is in crisis before seeking professional help, but therapist Friederike von Tiedemann advocates for a more proactive approach.

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At the beginning, I concluded too much from my own experiences onto others. I thought all relationships were based on love. If the fire had gone out, you just had to rekindle it.

With 30 years of experience as a couples therapist, von Tiedemann observes that most couples only seek therapy when conflicts have become ingrained and partners find each other increasingly irritating. She notes a shift in her understanding over the years, realizing that initial assumptions about relationships being solely based on love were too narrow. "At the beginning, I concluded too much from my own experiences onto others," she admits. "I thought all relationships were based on love. If the fire had gone out, you just had to rekindle it."

Von Tiedemann has learned that pragmatic reasons, such as social pressure to be in a relationship, can lead people to pair up. In these cases, partners might not be consciously chosen but rather selected because they are also single, share friends, work together, or enjoy similar activities like visiting museums. This pragmatic approach can sometimes mask a lack of deeper compatibility.

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Some couples come together for purely pragmatic reasons. Because of the social pressure to be in a relationship. Then you don't choose consciously, but take someone who is also alone and has the same friends, works with you, also likes to go to the museum.

Her extensive experience has led her to a crucial realization: "Not all people are suitable for partnership." This understanding highlights that while love and shared interests are important, fundamental compatibility and a willingness to work on the relationship are essential for long-term success. Von Tiedemann suggests that preventive therapy, ideally before marriage, could help couples navigate these complexities and build a stronger foundation.

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Not all people are suitable for partnership.