Expert: Negative feedback, not defensiveness, often causes conflict

Defensiveness in conversations is a common frustration, often making fluid dialogue impossible with colleagues, friends, or family. The American Psychological Association defines this behavior as a response to perceived threats, manifesting as excuses or emotional reactions like crying to mitigate disapproval.

Dolly Chugh, a scientist and organizational behavior expert from Harvard University, recently discussed how to navigate interactions with easily defensive individuals. "It happens constantly," Chugh stated. "I get defensive when I receive negative comments, or people get defensive when I give my opinion. Sometimes the problem isn't the defensive attitude, but the feedback itself – the comments they receive."

Chugh highlighted that feedback often relies on adjectives, which can be subjective and easily disputed. For instance, saying someone's work "isn't polished enough" can be interpreted in many ways, leading to defensiveness because the feedback is open to debate. To counter this, she recommends focusing on specific, observable behaviors.

"Focus on a concrete behavior you've observed, without making it a judgment about their character," Chugh advised. Providing an example, she suggested saying, "I noticed that the slides have inconsistencies in how they refer to the client's business, which is why it's not polished enough." This approach offers specific, indisputable evidence.

Psychologist María Ros added that persistent defensiveness might stem from an accumulation of unresolved situations rather than a single event. She likened it to a glass overflowing not from the last drop, but from the total content. Ros suggests viewing this attitude not as inherently negative or irrational, but as a potential indicator of underlying emotional buildup that needs management.