Experts reveal 'invisible problem' sabotaging sex for 83 percent of couples: It's not about desire

If your partner's approach to sex makes you uncomfortable or repulsed, experts say it might not be the end of attraction. It is more likely a subtle sabotage destroying intimacy and connection in a relationship.

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Sexual initiation is an invisible problem. Couples don't openly fight about it; they just slowly stop reaching for each other.

Signs, physical touches, or verbal cues that couples use to signal a desire for intimacy can be off-putting, undermining not only sexual intimacy but overall connection. "Sexual initiation is an invisible problem," licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin told The Post. "Couples don't openly fight about it; they just slowly stop reaching for each other."

Marin estimates that up to 83 percent of couples either avoid initiation, do it poorly, or regularly feel hurt by it. This can create a silent distance, a harmful issue in long-term relationships. According to Marin, poor sexual initiation often stems from a fear of rejection. "If you don't put yourself out there fully, it hurts less when you're rejected," she explained. However, this fear can manifest as half-hearted hints, indirect communication, mumbled suggestions about "that thing," and awkward moves like "grabbing breasts" that can turn sex into an obligation or transaction rather than an expression of genuine desire.

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If you don't put yourself out there fully, it hurts less when you're rejected.

No one wants to have sex with someone who cannot clearly state what they want, Marin emphasizes. This fear of rejection leads to a situation where the initiating partner lacks confidence, and the other partner feels presented with a fait accompli, with no room for their own desire. While poor initiation might seem like a minor inconvenience, the long-term consequences are significant, warns Marin, author of the bestseller "Sex Talks." It leads to less frequent sex and declining connection, and how a couple handles initiation says a lot about how they handle vulnerability in general. "If one partner is always pursuing and the other is always avoiding, the same dynamic almost always appears in difficult conversations, in asking for help, and in expressing needs outside the bedroom," she points out. The power and vulnerability dynamic established around sex spills over into all other aspects of shared life, creating a pattern that is hard to break.

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No one wants to have sex with someone who cannot clearly state what they want.

Popular culture further complicates the issue, having taught us incorrectly that initiation should be spontaneous and flawless. "Movies show people making eye contact across a room and thirty seconds later tearing each other's clothes off. There's no conversation, no checking in," says Marin. When real couples compare themselves to this standard, they might think something is "broken" in their relationship. However, according to Marin, good initiation requires both intention and communication. "You have to know your partner, you have to say what you want, and you have to gracefully

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If one partner is always pursuing and the other is always avoiding, the same dynamic almost always appears in difficult conversations, in asking for help, and in expressing needs outside the bedroom.