Javi, that’s not how it works

The ankle bracelet worn by Cristina Fernández de Kirchner can show where her ankle is, this satirical column argues, but not whether the rest of her body is in her apartment, on the terrace or in the apartment below.

The writer mocks the idea that the lower apartment could become a meeting place for conspiracies against “the best government in Argentine history,” comparing the building to a new Instituto Patria, or an “Instituto Correccional Patria.” The column also jokes that the two properties could be connected by a secret staircase, requiring someone to cut through the floor, remove rubble and bring in construction materials.

It then proposes replacing the ankle bracelet with a chain attached to the bed. A chain five or six metres long, the writer says, would allow Fernández de Kirchner to reach the bathroom, kitchen and part of the living room. A 15- or 20-metre chain would let her reach the balcony and speak about liberation, while still limiting her movement.

The column turns to nautical instruction, explaining that an anchored ship stays in place partly because of the weight and curve of the chain resting on the seabed. It says ships generally release three to six times the water’s depth in chain. If Fernández de Kirchner is not to “drag anchor,” the writer jokes, she would need 40 metres of chain, which could be moved only with help from members of La Cámpora.