Motherhood isn’t a competition or exam – so why do we judge other mums like we’re grading them?

Motherhood, often idealized as a journey of shared experience and support, can quickly become a landscape of judgment and unsolicited criticism, as the author discovered in an online mothers' WhatsApp group. What began as an anticipated space for bonding over the challenges of pregnancy and new parenthood transformed into an arena of intense debate and condescension.

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A group can make you feel less lonely about pregnancy and new motherhood.

Barely a week after joining a group of over 700 mothers based on estimated due dates, the author witnessed heated arguments erupt over seemingly minor issues like "babymoons." Some members deemed a pregnant woman's decision to holiday irresponsible, sparking intense discussions about what constitutes a "good mother." This atmosphere of judgment, characterized by condescending remarks and moral tests disguised as advice, prompted the author to leave the group, seeking refuge from the pervasive negativity.

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I realised that a community built around shared uncertainty could also become one where judgement is rampant.

However, the author found that this judgmental mentality followed her beyond the online sphere. Friends offered critical commentary on her parenting choices, questioning her son's independence due to his need for proximity while sleeping and attributing his feeding struggles to a lack of resilience. These personal encounters mirrored the harsh critiques she observed on social media, where anonymous commenters labeled mothers as "heartless," "selfish," "lazy," or "uncreative" based on their parenting decisions, such as sleep training or screen time choices.

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Oh, but did you know if you keep doing that, he’ll never learn independence?

The article identifies this phenomenon as a "rulebook mentality," a mindset where mothers feel compelled to adhere to a specific, often unwritten, set of rules. Deviation from these perceived standards leads to judgment, creating an environment where curiosity, empathy, and constructive advice are often replaced by harsh evaluations. This pervasive judgment, amplified by the anonymity of social media, highlights a significant challenge faced by many mothers navigating the complexities of raising children in the modern era.

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It’s probably because you’re not resilient enough and you give in every time he cries.