“My 12-year-old secretly does things he knows I disapprove of”

A mother says her 12-year-old regularly does things behind her back that he knows she has forbidden, including taking chips or sweets after being told no and using his phone during homework time. She is unsure how strict she should be.

The boy otherwise appears to be doing well. He has friends and hobbies, performs well at school and behaves reasonably outside the home. His mother says he seems to seek clear boundaries mainly from her, rather than from his father or other people. She dislikes having to threaten punishment before he will listen, even though she understands the impulse to evade rules because she did similar things as a child.

Parenting expert Abdellah Mehraz advises the family not to make the behavior too large an issue. He says such conduct often occurs before puberty and that the goal should not be to impose obedience through authority. Instead, parents should help their son understand why rules exist.

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Don’t make it too big.

Mehraz recommends that the parents first agree on the rules they consider most important, then discuss the five main ones with their son and explain their purpose. They should tell him what they expect, acknowledge that they must trust him when they cannot supervise him and make clear that he can come to them when he makes a mistake. If he breaks a rule, the parents can apply a previously agreed consequence, such as losing video-game time, calmly and consistently. Mehraz says rewards for following the rules can work better than repeated threats of punishment.

Psychologist Catrin Finkenauer offers a different way to view secrecy. Young children may hide objects, places or treats as they develop a sense of having something of their own. In early adolescence, keeping something secret or doing something despite a parent’s instruction can become a way to draw a boundary between the child and the parents. It does not automatically amount to lying or disobedience, but can also be part of practicing independence.

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Something done secretly does not simply amount to lying or disobedience, but is also an exercise in autonomy.