Psychologist John Gottman confirms: Conflict has a purpose for mutual understanding

Psychologist John Gottman, who has studied marriages for over 40 years, asserts that conflict serves a purpose in relationships: fostering mutual understanding. However, he emphasizes that this is only possible if couples can manage disagreements without becoming overwhelmed.

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Conflict really has a purpose: mutual understanding.

During intense conflicts, individuals can experience a physiological phenomenon Gottman calls "flooding." This state of heightened arousal can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses, impairing a person's ability to listen, reason, and respond clearly. When flooding becomes a frequent pattern, it can damage communication and strain the relationship.

Gottman explains that during flooding, the body's system becomes significantly altered, with heart rates potentially exceeding 100 beats per minute, even if the person appears calm externally. This fight-or-flight mode prevents clear thinking and effective listening. Symptoms include feeling hot, jaw tension, and difficulty breathing deeply.

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The risk is that during strong conflicts the body experiences a physiological phenomenon that he calls 'flooding.'

To counter this, Gottman recommends taking a break during heated discussions. He outlines specific criteria for an effective break, ensuring it's used to manage the issue rather than avoid it. When implemented successfully, this strategy helps couples maintain a safe environment, allowing them to return with clear minds and strengthen their connection instead of drifting apart.

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It is a state of physiological activation in which the person can enter fight, flight, or freeze mode and loses the ability to listen, reason, and respond clearly.

Beyond managing conflict, Gottman also introduced the "bagel method" with his wife, Julie Gottman. This approach helps couples reach genuine compromises that satisfy both partners by identifying negotiable elements and non-negotiable boundaries within the relationship.

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The best thing is to take a break and avoid continuing the discussion.