Should I respect my teenage sons' refusal of hugs? Expert advice

Ilse, a mother of two teenage sons aged 13 and 16, finds herself navigating a new phase of parenting where physical affection is no longer readily accepted. While her sons used to enjoy hugs and kisses, they now explicitly refuse such gestures, even in private or when leaving for camp. Ilse respects their boundaries but worries she might be denying them the benefits of physical contact and the expression of closeness they might still need.

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They clearly indicate that they do not want a hug or a kiss, not even when they leave for camp or when their friends are not around

Her hesitation is partly rooted in personal experience. As a child, Ilse found her own mother's frequent hugs uncomfortable but felt unable to voice her discomfort for fear of hurting her mother. This past experience makes her cautious about overstepping her own children's boundaries, yet she wonders if this caution itself has become a pitfall.

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I want to respect that, but at the same time I wonder if I am not depriving them of something

Relationship expert Rika Ponnet explains that contemporary society places a greater emphasis on physical closeness than in the past, often associating it with secure connection. However, she reassures Ilse that a strong parent-child bond doesn't solely depend on hugs and kisses. While physical contact can reduce stress, it's not the only means of feeling connected.

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Maybe I've become afraid of crossing my own children's boundaries. But isn't that also a pitfall?

Ponnet commends Ilse's self-awareness, noting that many parents initiate physical affection based on their own needs rather than their child's current desire. She highlights that Ilse's sons' behavior is a normal part of adolescence, a period focused on developing autonomy. Their ability to state their boundaries, even regarding hugs, is a sign of feeling secure at home. "The adolescent need for autonomy often manifests in setting boundaries. The fact that they dare to say: 'I don't want a hug,' is actually a sign that they feel safe at home," Ponnet stated.

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Physical contact can reduce stress, but it is not the only way people feel connected