The question that can stop a spiral of self-loathing

A question from an interviewer gave writer Jeong Moon-jeong a way to interrupt her own self-criticism: what would she say if the person struggling were her child or her husband? Her answers were simple: “It’s okay,” “That can happen,” “Let’s eat first and think,” “It will pass soon,” and “Let’s find a way.” She decided to say the same things to herself.

The insight came after a summer spent caring for others. Her child began elementary school this year and took a first summer break, while Jeong stayed home after breaking a toe during play. She managed the daily routine of school, lunch, books, board games, Lego, academies and evening trips to the playground.

At the same time, her husband was shaken after several employees at his company became involved in an incident and he faced an internal audit. He lost his appetite, grew thinner and spent much of his time lying on the sofa with red eyes. After beginning psychiatric medication, he managed to eat small amounts and occasionally smile, but anxiety returned whenever he went to bed. Jeong spent nights beside him, asking how he felt and holding his hand.

She tried practical advice, including telling him to separate facts from opinions, but found that repeatedly reading favorable monthly horoscopes worked better. She combined advice, superstition and physical closeness while they endured the period together.

In an interview about her children’s picture book, “Even When Something Bad Happens, It Is Not a Bad Day,” Jeong realized that she would once have scolded herself for writing nothing during the break. This time, she did not. Looking at the world with the heart of a caregiver, she found more reason to encourage than condemn herself. As she continued speaking words of care aloud, she began to hear them too. The heat and tropical nights passed, and autumn approached.

“

It’s a recent habit of mine. When something difficult happens, I think about what I would say to my child or my husband. I usually think of words like ‘It’s okay,’ ‘That can happen,’ ‘Let’s eat first and think,’ ‘It will pass soon,’ and ‘Let’s find a way.’ I try to say exactly those things to myself too. It helps a little.