The second year: Anticipating the Jewish High Holidays after experiencing grief and loss

The second year of widowhood brings a different kind of challenge for Dr. Batya L. Ludman as the Jewish High Holidays approach. Her husband died suddenly the previous August, and she says the loss can feel both recent and impossibly distant. She barely remembers the holidays she observed last year. This year, she writes, will be different.

After 47 years together, Ludman still hears her husband’s voice in her thoughts and actions. Although he is no longer physically present, that continuing presence brings her comfort. She also acknowledges that grief does not move in a straight line. Some days are easier, while others bring anger, sadness and frustration.

Rather than asking why the loss happened, Ludman asks what can help her move forward and avoid becoming stuck. Often, she says, the answer lies in small things that can feel significant. Her task is to adapt to a life that has changed.

The first year after a death often centers on survival and the unfamiliar sequence of first holidays and milestones. The second year removes some of that newness, but it can also allow reality to settle in. Ludman warns that people may only discover a difficult moment when tears arrive unexpectedly and the knowledge of permanence and finality becomes overwhelming.

Ludman recently took part in a book launch with colleague Gina Junger for The Jewish Journey through Loss: From Death to Healing. They challenged the idea that grief should end after a short period. Although Jewish mourning traditionally ends after a year, they said people may grieve in their own way forever. Jewish practice recognizes that continuing bond through Yizkor prayers and the annual marking of a death with yahrzeit.