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🇦🇺 Australia /Culture & Society

The taboo experience of motherhood regret

From ABC Australia · () English

Summarized and contextualized by DistantNews.

At a glance

In-depth Named sources Context piece
  • Some mothers experience regret about having children, a feeling distinct from postpartum depression.
  • This regret is often taboo and difficult for women to express due to societal expectations of motherhood.
  • Sociologist Ella Reed's research highlights that women with high expectations are more prone to this feeling, which can coexist with deep love for their children.

The experience of motherhood regret, a feeling of wishing one had not had a child, is a taboo subject that many women struggle to voice.

Why the hell did I try so hard to have this child?

— BelleExpressing her feelings of regret early in her daughter's life.

Belle, whose name has been changed for privacy, described her journey to motherhood, which involved miscarriages and IVF before a natural pregnancy. Despite long-desired, she found herself questioning her decision shortly after her daughter was born, feeling "sick" about these thoughts. She described the early days as "suffocating and dark," exacerbated by her husband's limited involvement.

Sociologist Ella Reed from Monash University is researching maternal regret, noting that societal conditioning trains women to aspire to an "all-giving, all-encompassing mother" ideal. When reality falls short, it can lead to feelings of regret, which are distinct from postpartum depression or anxiety.

I felt a little bit sick, because that's not how you're meant to feel about your kids.

— BelleDescribing her distress over experiencing regret about motherhood.

Reed's preliminary research involved interviewing 11 Australian women who found it difficult to share their experiences due to the significant social risks. Some faced hardships like abusive partners or financial stress, while others in seemingly normal lives felt they had "signed up for" something different. Reed emphasizes that for these women, it wasn't depression but a clear sense of regret.

For a lot of cisgendered women, we are supposed to aim for that goddess, serene kind of all-giving, all-encompassing mother.

— Ella ReedExplaining societal pressures on women regarding motherhood.

Psychologist Nicole Highet, founder of COPE (Centre of Perinatal Excellence), confirms that motherhood regret is separate from postnatal mental health conditions, though they can occur simultaneously. Highet suggests that individuals with high expectations are more susceptible to parental regret, viewing the gap between expectations and reality as a personal failure. Despite these feelings, many women interviewed by Reed expressed loving their children "endlessly" while still harboring the wish that they had never had them.

It's just too taboo. It's too much of a risk socially for people to admit.

— Ella ReedDiscussing why maternal regret is rarely shared openly.
DistantNews Editorial

Originally published by ABC Australia. Summarized and contextualized by our editorial team with added local perspective. Read our editorial standards.

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