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🇦🇺 Australia /Culture & Society

Therapist's journey: People-pleasing as an intelligent adaptation

From ABC Australia · () English

Translated from English, summarized and contextualized by DistantNews.

At a glance

In-depth Sources not specified Context piece
  • A therapist shares her personal journey with people-pleasing, reframing it as an intelligent adaptation rather than solely low self-esteem.
  • She explains how, as an Aboriginal woman, people-pleasing was a coping mechanism for safety, belonging, and opportunity in a world with racial stereotypes.
  • The therapist found a path forward by learning to ask

A therapist who has navigated the complexities of people-pleasing shares her insights, reframing the behavior not as a simple lack of self-esteem or assertiveness, but as a deeply intelligent adaptation.

Being "good" wasn't simply about being liked; it was about safety, belonging, achievement, protection and creating opportunities that previous generations had been denied.

— Carlie SchofieldThe author explains the deeper motivations behind people-pleasing as an Aboriginal woman.

For the author, people-pleasing began as a survival strategy. Growing up as an Aboriginal girl, she was acutely aware of racial stereotypes and the potential for negative attention. She understood that being "good" was about more than just being liked; it was about ensuring safety, fostering a sense of belonging, achieving success, and creating opportunities that had been denied to previous generations. This behavior evolved into a coping mechanism rooted in vigilance, responsibility, and love for her family.

In her family, she also took on the role of the "family therapist," mediating conflicts and trying to maintain peace, partly out of a desire to shield her mother from hardship. These demands intensified when she started her own family, requiring her to say "no" more often to her parents and others to prioritize her child. This shift was uncomfortable, initially making her feel like she was letting people down. However, it also marked the beginning of her reclaiming a sense of control and power within her own family unit.

I realised I can love those around me and want to look after them, but also hate and resent not having anything left in the tank for myself.

— Carlie SchofieldThe author describes the internal conflict of caring for others while feeling depleted.

The author emphasizes that setting boundaries isn't always the straightforward solution often presented. For someone whose identity has been intertwined with serving others, the idea of "just setting boundaries" can feel like dismantling a core part of oneself without a replacement. The transformative work, she found, wasn't about learning to say no, but about learning to ask a different question: "What do I want?" This shift, from seeking to avoid conflict or fulfill external expectations to understanding her own desires, allowed her to find a new way forward.

The work that changed things for me wasn't learning how to say no. It was learning how to answer a different question: What do I want?

— Carlie SchofieldThe author describes the key shift in her approach to overcoming people-pleasing.
DistantNews Editorial

Originally published by ABC Australia in English. Translated, summarized, and contextualized by our editorial team with added local perspective. Read our editorial standards.

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