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🇰🇷 South Korea /Culture & Society

To communicate truly, let's unfold our 'mental maps' for each other

From Hankyoreh · () Korean

Translated from Korean, summarized and contextualized by DistantNews.

At a glance

In-depth Sources not specified Context piece
  • Many people feel unheard in conversations, believing they are talking to a 'wall' because the other person only repeats their own views.
  • This often leads to relationships closing off, as individuals conclude the other person is 'just like that.'
  • True communication involves understanding each other's 'mental maps' – the unique perspectives shaped by life experiences, rather than trying to persuade or win an argument.

The common complaint, "I feel like I'm talking to a wall," often arises in psychological counseling. It describes the frustration of explaining oneself repeatedly, only to have the other person insist on their own narrative. This cycle can lead to relationships deteriorating as individuals decide the other person is inherently difficult or unchangeable.

I feel like I'm talking to a wall.

— Common complaintDescribing the feeling of not being heard in a conversation.

Interestingly, when these same individuals seek counseling, their partners frequently express similar sentiments: "This person just doesn't understand me." This suggests that genuine listening might be absent on both sides, with each person primarily focused on being heard rather than truly hearing the other.

People tend to interpret the world through their own established beliefs, readily accepting familiar ideas while dismissing unfamiliar ones. Conflict often escalates when a conversation aimed at understanding devolves into a competition to persuade. While it seems like two different conversations are happening, both parties are essentially pleading to have their own story fully heard.

This person just doesn't understand me.

— Common complaintExpressing frustration when a partner feels unheard.

Admitting one is wrong is challenging because our thoughts are not isolated opinions but are deeply intertwined with our life experiences, past hurts, and sense of self-worth. Therefore, saying "I'm wrong" can feel like relinquishing a part of one's identity. While people are adept at refuting others, they are often hesitant to question their own perspectives. However, embracing the possibility of being mistaken opens the door to authentic communication.

I'm wrong

— ImpliedThe difficulty of admitting error, which feels like letting go of one's past self.

Our understanding of the world is shaped by a 'mental map' developed over time, influenced by experiences, traumas, and triumphs. Some maps lead to caution, others to trust; some to sensitivity to risk, others to a more relaxed approach. These maps, while protective in certain ways, can also create barriers in relationships. Effective communication, therefore, is less about correcting thoughts and more about sharing and understanding these internal maps. Recognizing why individuals navigate the same landscape differently transforms dialogue from persuasion into a genuine encounter. This approach, known as 'cognitive flexibility' in psychology, involves loosening one's grip on rigid beliefs and remaining open to alternative possibilities. When faced with a seemingly impenetrable conversation, pausing to ask oneself, "Am I truly listening, or just waiting to speak?" can be a crucial first step.

Am I truly listening, or just waiting to speak?

— ImpliedA self-reflective question to improve conversational engagement.
DistantNews Editorial

Originally published by Hankyoreh in Korean. Translated, summarized, and contextualized by our editorial team with added local perspective. Read our editorial standards.

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