Author Urges Parents to Embrace Imperfection, Focus on Connection Over Perfection

In her book "Rooted Strong and Wing-Light," author and educator Susanne Mierau challenges the modern pressure on parents to be perfect, advocating instead for a focus on empathy and connection. Mierau suggests that while many parents find it easy to offer love and closeness, the greater challenge lies in balancing "roots" and "wings", providing security while allowing children appropriate independence.

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Giving roots means: I am here, I see you, I accompany you. But giving wings means: I trust you, I can handle your development, and I don't have to prevent every difficult moment immediately.

Mierau identifies the abundance of often contradictory information available to parents today as a significant source of uncertainty. This constant influx of advice, studies, and opinions can be overwhelming, contributing to parental anxiety. Furthermore, many parents today may not have experienced consistent emotional support or boundary setting in their own childhoods, making it harder for them to trust their own instincts.

Contrary to a nostalgic view of the past, Mierau cautions against assuming earlier generations were more relaxed parents. She points out that historically, children's feelings were often less prioritized, and forms of violence in upbringing were normalized, creating an outward appearance of calm that was not necessarily child-centered. Today's parents, she notes, are more thoughtful, but the challenge is to prevent this reflection from turning into constant self-monitoring and guilt.

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Many mothers sacrifice themselves not because they want to 'by nature,' but because structures push them in that direction: lack of support, unequal distribution of care work, ideals of motherhood that romanticize self-sacrifice.

Mierau specifically addresses the intense societal expectations placed on mothers, who are often pressured to be loving, attentive, informed, professionally active, attractive, and resilient. She argues that structural issues, such as inadequate support and the unequal distribution of care work, push many mothers towards self-sacrifice, which is then romanticized by societal ideals of motherhood. Mierau emphasizes that a needs-oriented approach means balancing the needs of the child with those of the parent to ensure the well-being of the entire family.

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Parenting is also learning, relationship, and experience. There are certainly intuitive components: we react to crying, seek closeness.