Bernardo Stamateas: 'The true act of giving is born from the heart, without expecting anything in return'

Giving can be a complex act, often revealing more about the giver's internal state than the act itself. While some find it difficult to give, others struggle with receiving or asking for help. Bernardo Stamateas, an author, explores the nuanced motivations behind giving, suggesting that it's not always as straightforward as it appears. He notes that sometimes people give to alleviate their own discomfort with receiving or to assuage feelings of guilt, a phenomenon he illustrates with a personal anecdote about giving away gifted ties. This 'giving out of guilt' can lead to resentment, as it becomes a way to avoid feeling undeserving rather than a genuine act of generosity. Stamateas labels this as 'commercial giving' when there's an unspoken expectation of reciprocation, whether it's a thank you, a hug, or a future favor. He acknowledges that most people have, at some point, given with an underlying hope for something in return, leading to frustration or anger if that expectation isn't met.

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The true act of giving is born from the heart, without expecting anything in return.

Stamateas also addresses the pathology of demanding behavior, characterizing individuals who feel entitled to help as having emotional wounds. These individuals, he explains, go through life expecting others to fulfill their needs. He advises setting boundaries with such people, stating that a brief, clear 'no' is sufficient without lengthy explanations. The decision to say no, he emphasizes, should be based on one's own capacity and willingness, not external pressure. Crucially, Stamateas asserts that giving does not mean losing oneself.

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We should learn to say no to the demanding person. And that limit must be brief; there is no need to give too many explanations.

He then outlines the healthy way to ask for help: by granting the other person the freedom to refuse. Unlike demanding, healthy asking respects autonomy. Stamateas encourages asking for help when genuinely needed, recognizing that everyone has limitations. True giving, he concludes, should stem from the heart, free from the expectation of affection or validation. Such giving is characterized by freedom and love. Equally important, he stresses, is the ability to receive gracefully, as the hand that knows how to take also knows how to give, creating a balanced exchange.

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Giving does not mean losing oneself.