Caring for parents with dementia: A final act of love and growth

Caring for a parent with Alzheimer's and near-total hearing loss has led the author to a profound understanding of caregiving as a "final parenting." Initially overwhelmed by her father's diagnosis seven years ago, she found a poignant phrase in a book: "Caregiving is the final parenting that parents do with their lives." This realization, though painful, shifted her perspective, prompting a commitment to witness her parents' physical and mental decline without missing a moment.

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Caregiving is the final parenting that parents do with their lives.

While unsure if she has grown through this experience, the author focuses on the present effort to balance resignation with dedication and to cherish small joys. She describes sharing her father's favorite pansori song, 'Sacholga,' with him. Occasionally, he responds by waving his hand and keeping rhythm, a fleeting moment that feels like a circuit in his damaged brain momentarily lighting up, recognizing the music. These brief flashes of his former self, his "fatherhood," are precious, offering a glimpse into the potential for human capacity to bloom through reciprocal interaction in caregiving relationships.

This understanding is echoed in illustrator Eom Yu-jin's books, 'Grandmother Running Through Moments,' which chronicle the daily lives of a family supporting a mother with dementia. The author found a particularly striking passage where Eom's mother, facing memory loss, described her condition as "like Christmas lights blinking." She encouraged her daughter to notify her when these blinks occurred, a metaphor that beautifully connects the darkness of dementia with the sparkle of Christmas. This mother's wit and humor, her ability to transform life's pain into laughter, helped ease her daughter's anxiety.

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My mother is now giving her all in her final parenting to help her child, me, grow one step further as a human being, by showing me what life truly is.

The author gained further insight from Eom's mother's description of memory loss as "a feeling of not reaching anywhere. Neither past nor future. A feeling of not being able to reach the result even if you plan to go somewhere in your head." Yet, despite the challenges, she found psychological stability, suggesting that perhaps a new world opens up when one stops struggling to hold onto every moment. This perspective offered the author a sense of relief, believing that her father's own experiences, though difficult, might not have been solely filled with anxiety and fear, but also with his own unique way of passing time in a new world.

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My memory might be blinking like Christmas lights. If you notice me blinking, please think, 'Ah, Christmas is coming,' and let me know.

For those caring for aging parents or spouses, the article suggests taking a step back to find moments of humor, which can make even unbearable situations more manageable. The author believes the Eom family's use of humor is not out of privilege but a necessary tool to cope with the sorrow of their situation. The father's advice to his daughter, "You are not just yours. You are also someone's precious you. So, for their sake, you must take care of yourself first," resonates as a vital message for all caregivers.

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I'm so busy forgetting at an incredibly fast speed every day, you know?