Grief coach shares advice on finding joy after loss

Kate Doerge, who has experienced profound personal loss, is now a certified grief coach and author dedicated to helping others navigate their own difficult journeys. After losing her father, mother, and then her 16-year-old daughter Penny to a rare disease, Doerge advocates for a path through grief that involves active engagement rather than passive suffering.

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Everyone's grief is different

"You hold your grief with you always," Doerge states, "But what I would say to that is, you can hold grief and joy in the same space." Her book, "Reimagining Grief," aims to offer a guide for those feeling overwhelmed by loss. She stresses that the process is not about "moving on" but rather "moving through," encouraging individuals to actively "reach for the joy" even in dark times.

Doerge suggests finding joy in small things, such as remembering a loved one's favorite flower, wearing their favorite color, listening to their music, or enjoying simple pleasures like sunshine or a good cup of coffee. These actions, she explains, help infuse moments of joy into the grieving process.

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You hold your grief with you always. But what I would say to that is, you can hold grief and joy in the same space.

Connection with others is identified as a crucial element in managing grief. Doerge lists it as the first of her "five actions of grief," contrasting them with the traditional "five stages." She highlights scientific research indicating that social connection, whether through formal grief groups or casual activities like exercise classes, can reduce prolonged grief, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. "We as human beings need each other," she asserts, noting that grief can be an isolating experience.

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I think sometimes people feel guilty for moving on. You're never 'moving on.' You're moving through.

Celebrating the loved one is the second action on her list. This involves engaging in activities that honor their memory and preferences, such as preparing their favorite food or listening to their favorite music. These acts of remembrance, Doerge believes, are vital for moving forward while still cherishing the memory of those lost.

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To be able to infuse, a little bit, that opportunity of 'reach for the joy', what are the things that bring you joy? You can go to the cemetery, but what are the flowers he loved? Wear his favorite color. So you're still moving through it and you're moving forward.