'Hidden and Isolated Youth' Take a Breath [Voices of 6411]

I felt like one of the discarded odds and ends in my room. I didn't want to go out, even when the weather was nice. I started to neglect my hygiene, not even bothering to wash. The effort to get up and drink water felt overwhelming, so I drank from the bathroom sink. When hunger became unbearable, I'd open the refrigerator and devour whatever I could grab, like a starved animal. The guilt of neglecting myself was mixed with a strange sense of satisfaction. 'I deserve this,' I thought. This cycle of isolation and apology repeated itself. Hiding in my 'cave' to stop the bleeding, I numbed myself with easily accessible distractions that distanced me from reality. The period of seclusion grew longer and deeper.

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I felt like one of the discarded odds and ends in my room.

In 2022, I learned that I fit the description of a 'hidden-isolated youth.' I'll never forget the feeling of being pulled from the depths by that label. It felt like salvation, even for an atheist. Starting counseling with an organization called 'Find Your Down' made me realize I wasn't the only one experiencing this 'abnormal phenomenon.' I had believed I should be erased from the world because I wouldn't be accepted, but I learned that even someone like me was worthy of acceptance.

Recovery, of course, was not easy. In my first year of participating in a program called 'Dream Terrace,' I focused on accepting my current state and preparing for a long-term battle. During this process, I let go of my decade-long obsession with school, employment, and career paths. I attended individual and group counseling sessions at the center and subsequently began medication. Seven months later, as I gained confidence in stepping outside, I enrolled in a six-week 'After-School Activity' program offered by 'Not Scary Company,' an organization supporting hidden-isolated youth. As expected, I didn't achieve 100% attendance, but I became accustomed to the 1.5-hour commute.

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When I learned that I fit the description of a 'hidden-isolated youth' in 2022, I'll never forget the feeling of being pulled from the depths by that label.

In my second year, 'Find Your Down' offered me a work experience opportunity, but my unstable condition prevented me from accepting. Instead, I started participating in programs further away. Through a community called 'Existence Club,' run by the Knowledge Circulation Society Cooperative, I began to find a spark of motivation. There were times I relapsed into re-isolation, feeling overwhelmed for several weeks, but I gained reliable peers who didn't criticize me when I returned. In my third year, I finally took on the work experience challenge. My goal was simply 'not to run away,' so I applied for an offline attendance program for NEETs. I started doing small things that brought my imagination to life. I experienced burnout, but successfully going out for five consecutive weeks was a significant achievement.

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I had believed I should be erased from the world because I wouldn't be accepted, but I learned that even someone like me was worthy of acceptance.

This year marks my fourth year in recovery. To realize my future goals, collaboration with others is essential, so I am currently making various attempts and practicing to become familiar with different people. I feel anxious about not earning a steady income, but looking back, I realize I've come quite close to the person I envisioned since 2022 – a 'youth catching their breath' who can interact with others without difficulty. Unpredictable challenges will likely arise again, and I will discover unexpected vulnerabilities within them, but I now have a faint belief that I can ask for help in times of crisis. Many hidden-isolated youths want to help each other. They reach out to one another because they want to pass on the help they received, because they realize it's not an individual problem, or simply out of a hope that even one less person is left to fend for themselves. Through community, I've gradually expanded my understanding of love by recording and sharing the love received in daily life, the love given, and the love given to oneself. The places where I settle and head towards are those that cultivate such a sense of community. We can only truly breathe when our relationships are stable. Although my resilience isn't particularly strong, I feel I am living in a state that is not too bad right now. It might take a few more years, but that's okay. I will gradually get better.

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My goal was simply 'not to run away,' so I applied for an offline attendance program for NEETs.