"I Hear What You're Saying" Is on Psychologists' Blacklist. So Are Some Other Words.

When a friend laments a failed date or a child declares they "don't understand anything" and are "so stupid," the instinct is often to immediately reassure them. Phrases like "You'll find someone" or "You just need to practice more" are common responses.

However, psychologists suggest a different approach. Psychologist Elizabeth Malmquist advises, "Start by understanding the experience. It can change the conversation." This method emphasizes validating the person's feelings rather than immediately countering their negative self-assessment.

The idea is that by first acknowledging and seeking to understand the individual's perspective, one can create a more open and receptive environment for further discussion. This contrasts with the common tendency to quickly dismiss such statements, which can sometimes feel invalidating to the person expressing distress.

This approach, which includes phrases like "I hear what you're saying," is reportedly on psychologists' "blacklist" of unhelpful responses. The article suggests that shifting from immediate dismissal to empathetic understanding can be a more effective way to support someone struggling with self-criticism or feelings of inadequacy.

“

Start by understanding the experience. It can change the conversation.