I love you, but I don't want sex: Explaining why it doesn't necessarily mean a relationship crisis

Asexuality, defined as a persistent lack of sexual attraction to others, is often confused with a temporary decrease in libido, but psychologist Jolita Sorokinaitė emphasizes the crucial distinction between the two. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, meaning a person is born with it and experiences no sexual desire throughout their life. In contrast, a reduced libido can be a temporary state influenced by factors such as stress, illness, or relationship crises.

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Asexuality is a sexual orientation. It is entirely different from a decrease or cessation of desire, intimacy, or longing. These are two different states, and they must be distinguished.

Sorokinaitė clarifies that while reduced desire might stem from trauma or a decline in life quality, often due to accumulated tension or a poor relationship atmosphere, asexuality is an inherent part of a person's identity. Asexual individuals have never experienced sexual desire, unlike those whose desire has merely diminished. This distinction is vital not only for couples but also for mental health professionals, who may mistakenly encourage sexual activity when a person is asexual.

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Asexual people have never felt desire in their lives – for anyone. When desire is simply reduced, the person has still experienced the feeling. Asexuals do not know it.

Research by Anthony Bogaert, a pioneer in asexuality studies, indicated that approximately 1% of the British population surveyed never experienced sexual attraction. Subsequent studies have offered varying estimates, ranging from less than 1% to several percent, depending on the research methodology. Sorokinaitė notes that individuals often realize their asexuality during adolescence, observing that they do not experience the same feelings as their peers. As adults, they may engage in sexual activity out of obligation, feeling societal pressure that a family must include sex.

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In relationships, such a person is usually tormented by guilt. Other feelings arise from it – anger at oneself and at the partner, because they feel forced to do something. The thought prevails: what is wrong with me, what do I need to fix?

This can lead to significant emotional distress, including guilt, anger, and a sense of being flawed or broken, especially when compounded by a partner's questions or reactions. Societal influences, such as the pervasive portrayal of hypersexuality in media, further exacerbate these feelings, creating a myth that sexual desire is a universal experience. This pressure can lead asexual individuals to fear rejection and isolation, sometimes agreeing to sexual encounters they do not desire to maintain relationships.

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Films, television, the social environment portray people as highly sexual, constantly desiring sex. But this is not a universal experience – it is a myth that does not apply not only to asexual people, but also to many others, especially women.