Marriage apprehension stems from defensiveness, not calculation

The article delves into the complexities of human connection, particularly how defensiveness can create barriers to intimacy. It introduces the concept through an anecdote about a woman named Jeonghwa, who approaches relationships, especially marriage, with significant apprehension.

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Defensiveness can make it difficult to satisfy hunger. This is because the other person tries to find hidden demands and intentions even when they are given something.

Jeonghwa's caution is rooted in her observations of women who, after marriage and taking on domestic responsibilities and familial duties, seem to lose their sense of self. This has made her wary of marriage, fearing it might diminish her own life and aspirations. Despite this, she harbors a deep longing for a partner who offers unconditional love and support, someone who is generous and doesn't keep score in the relationship.

The author posits that Jeonghwa's fear of being taken advantage of, or her suspicion of hidden motives when someone offers kindness, stems from past hurts. This constant vigilance, while a protective mechanism, ironically makes it harder for her to receive and trust love, as she tends to "contaminate" positive gestures with suspicion.

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I have witnessed too many sighs and frustrations of women who, after marriage, are solely defined as someone's mother, wife, or daughter-in-law, losing their own lives.

Ultimately, the piece argues that the key to navigating such relationship challenges isn't about determining who is more "calculating" or who has "victim mentality." Instead, it emphasizes the importance of how partners manage feelings of hurt and unmet expectations. Open dialogue about these sensitive issues, rather than defensiveness or blame, is presented as crucial for building a healthy, balanced relationship, potentially avoiding the pitfalls of becoming an "Excel couple", a metaphor for a relationship based on meticulous accounting rather than genuine emotional connection.

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The problem is that defensiveness makes it difficult to satisfy hunger. This is because the other person tries to find hidden demands and intentions even when they are given something.