Virginity and fidelity fuel debate over marriage

The debate over virginity continues to shape how some young people in Tanzania choose marriage partners. Some say they want to marry someone who has never had sex, viewing virginity as a sign of morality, self-discipline and faithfulness. Others argue that a person’s history before marriage should not be the final measure of character.

The issue carries weight because it touches love, religion, tradition, family honor and the expectations that men and women bring into marriage. Some people want a spouse who also waited until marriage before beginning a sexual relationship, whether because of religious beliefs or personal values.

But relationship experts and family scholars stress that virginity is not the same as fidelity. A person may enter a marriage as a virgin and still become unfaithful. Someone who is not a virgin may be loyal, respectful and deeply committed to protecting the marriage. A past relationship, or several relationships, does not necessarily predict future behavior.

Fidelity is shown more clearly through decisions made inside a relationship: telling the truth, respecting boundaries, keeping a partner’s confidences, avoiding betrayal and standing by the other person during difficult times. The article also says people who value virginity have the right to seek partners who share that view, whether they are men or women.

The problem begins when that preference becomes a way to humiliate or condemn someone else. The article ends by raising a broader question about why society so often scrutinizes women more than men over virginity.