When You Rush to Find Someone After a Breakup: “I’m Not Looking for a Person, but for Security”

A 26-year-old recently divorced man says he fears he will remain alone, even though he is not ready to begin another relationship. His account, posted in the Reddit community r/DatingRO, describes the tension between missing companionship and still feeling the pain of separation.

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I'm 26 and recently divorced. I'm afraid of loneliness and that this detail about my past will scare women away and that I'll remain this way.

“I'm 26 and recently divorced. I'm afraid of loneliness and that this detail about my past will scare women away and that I'll remain this way,” he wrote. He added that he did not want anything immediately because the suffering was still too great, despite having chosen the divorce and separation himself. What he would like, he said, is to meet people and build friendships.

Psychologist Olga Ghițac told Adevărul that fear of loneliness after a breakup does not, by itself, indicate a problem. The end of a long relationship can mean losing more than a partner. It can also mean losing a shared routine, a sense of belonging, common plans and an imagined future.

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I clearly don't want anything right now. The suffering is too great, even though I chose to take the step of divorce and separation. I would, however, like to meet people with whom I can build friendships.

“I think the first thing we need to understand is that fear of loneliness after a breakup is natural and should be viewed with great compassion,” Ghițac said. “Especially after a long-term relationship, we do not lose only a partner, but an entire life structure: a routine for two, a sense of belonging, shared plans and the image of a future we had imagined together. Psychologically, a breakup involves a grieving process because there is a real loss.”

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I think the first thing we need to understand is that fear of loneliness after a breakup is natural and should be viewed with great compassion.

She said one part of a person may understand that a relationship had to end, while another feels the loss of the security that having a partner provided. In intense distress, a new person can appear to offer a quick solution. The key distinction is whether someone wants to know a particular person, or is mainly trying to avoid being alone.

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Especially after a long-term relationship, we do not lose only a partner, but an entire life structure: a routine for two, a sense of belonging, shared plans and the image of a future we had imagined together. Psychologically, a breakup involves a grieving process because there is a real loss.