How a Breakup or Bullying Can Change the Way We See Ourselves

A breakup, rejection or episode of bullying may end in real life while continuing to shape how a person sees themselves. New research suggests that the difference lies partly in the story people build around what happened.

Some people describe a painful event as something they went through that changed them. Others come to see it as proof that something is fundamentally wrong with them. The study found that the second interpretation was associated with greater difficulties involving identity, relationships and everyday life.

Published in the Journal of Personality, the research examined what psychologists call personality functioning. This includes maintaining a coherent sense of identity, setting goals, and forming relationships based on empathy and intimacy.

The study included 140 young adults aged 18 to 25: 94 students and 46 people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or showing related traits. Participants imagined their lives as books and described two events that had changed them.

Researchers analyzed whether participants felt in control of their lives, experienced belonging and closeness with others, reflected on the meaning of events, and saw those events as leading to personal growth or deterioration. Those with more identity and relationship difficulties spoke less about closeness, control and positive change. They more often described their experiences as having left something “broken” inside them.

A painful event can continue to influence how easily someone trusts others, how afraid they are of being seen, whom they choose as partners and what they believe they deserve from relationships.

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Some experiences end in reality and continue for a long time inside us.