Psychologist Explains Underlying Reasons for Extramarital Affairs

In Romania, the complex issue of extramarital affairs is being examined through a psychological lens, moving beyond simplistic notions of "temptation" or "immorality." Psychotherapist Laura Găvan explains that these relationships rarely arise from spontaneous decisions. Instead, they are often rooted in deeper, unmet emotional needs, long-standing insecurities, and a form of internal compromise that makes an incomplete connection seem acceptable to those involved.

“

Relațiile extraconjugale nu apar în vid și nici nu pot fi reduse la stereotipuri simpliste despre «ispită» sau «imoralitate»

Găvan highlights low self-esteem as a significant contributing factor. Individuals who engage in affairs, even if they don't perceive themselves as inherently worthless, may harbor underlying beliefs such as "I'm not good enough" or "I have to fight to be chosen." Over time, these beliefs can lead to the idealization of an unavailable partner and the prioritization of fleeting moments of closeness, which in turn fuels a persistent hope for something more.

“

nu sunt suficient de bun” sau „trebuie să lupt ca să fiu ales”

Another crucial element, according to Găvan, lies in familial background. Those raised in environments where love was inconsistent, conditional, or marked by infidelity may unconsciously replicate these dysfunctional emotional patterns in adulthood. In such cases, pursuing a relationship with an unavailable partner might not be seen as an irrational choice but rather as a form of emotional familiarity. Extramarital affairs can also emerge from existing voids within a couple's relationship. Some individuals do not initially intend to have an affair but find themselves drawn into one during periods of loneliness, frustration, or emotional detachment. "In this sense, the relationship outside the couple can function as a refuge, even if it is unstable and painful in the long run," Găvan observes.

“

În astfel de cazuri, relația cu un partener indisponibil nu este trăită neapărat ca o alegere irațională, ci ca o formă de familiaritate emoțională

The need for validation also plays a role, as the connection with an unavailable partner can create an illusion of a special bond, even if this validation is selective and precarious. This dynamic can foster a vicious cycle of hope, anxiety, and relationship maintenance, despite accumulating frustration. Găvan notes that individuals often develop justifications to alleviate moral or emotional discomfort. Many affairs evolve gradually, accompanied by rationalization mechanisms such as "he/she will change," "they are unhappy in their marriage," or "their relationship is already over." These thoughts help reduce cognitive dissonance, allowing individuals to remain involved even when reality contradicts their hopes.

“

În acest sens, relația din afara cuplului poate funcționa ca un refugiu, chiar dacă este instabilă și dureroasă pe termen lung