Psychology says parents counting down to bedtime are not failing

For some parents, the countdown begins early: three hours until bedtime, then two, then one. Psychology research suggests that watching the clock for a moment of quiet does not reveal how much they love their children or enjoy being parents.

The distinction is between the exhaustion of a particularly difficult day and parental burnout, a persistent state linked to the demands of raising children. In 2018, Isabelle Roskam, Maria-Elena Brianda and Moïra Mikolajczak of the Catholic University of Louvain published research to develop a tool for assessing the condition.

Their work identified four main dimensions: intense exhaustion connected to the parental role, a contrast with how the person previously felt about parenting, feeling overwhelmed by the role, and emotional distancing from the children.

A separate study by Mikolajczak and Roskam, involving 923 parents, presented burnout as a balance between demands and resources. Demands include responsibilities, stress, difficulties organizing childcare and high expectations. Resources include support from a partner, stress-management strategies and certain parenting practices. The risk rises when demands remain substantially greater than available resources over time.

A 2021 international study led by Roskam included 17,409 parents from 42 countries. About 71% were women, and the average age was around 39. The researchers found major differences in burnout levels between countries. The number and age of children, as well as the hours parents spent with them each day, explained less of the international variation than cultural characteristics, particularly individualism. Spending more time with children, therefore, does not explain the whole picture.