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‘My husband says he just wants to live together as friends’
🇮🇪 Ireland /Culture & Society

‘My husband says he just wants to live together as friends’

From Irish Times · (1h ago) English Critical tone

Summarized and contextualized by DistantNews.

TLDR

  • A woman is struggling after her husband of 21 years announced he no longer loves her and wants to live as friends indefinitely.
  • The husband, who has a history of depression and a difficult childhood, has withdrawn emotionally and physically from the marriage.
  • The wife is seeking advice on how to navigate this painful situation, suspecting his behavior is linked to depression but fearing it might be wishful thinking.

The Irish Times' advice column 'Dear Roe' tackles a deeply personal and painful marital crisis, reflecting common struggles with communication and mental health within long-term relationships.

My husband of 21 years recently told me he doesn’t love me any more, doesn’t know if he wants to try to get the spark back and wants to live as friends indefinitely for the sake of our three small children (our youngest is one year old).

— WifeDescribing the husband's declaration and the impact on their marriage.

A devoted wife of 21 years finds herself blindsided and heartbroken when her husband declares he no longer loves her and wishes to live as 'friends' indefinitely, citing their three young children as the reason. This abrupt shift comes after a period of withdrawal and cessation of intimacy, which she had attributed to his struggles with depression following the birth of their youngest child.

He has become progressively depressed since our youngest child was born and has withdrawn from me and stopped having sex for the last three months.

— WifeExplaining the husband's recent behavior and her initial assumptions.

Her husband's inability to articulate his feelings, offering only "I don't know" to her questions, leaves her in a state of shock and confusion. His demand for a platonic existence, while remaining married, is impossible for her to accept as she remains in love with him. Her concern for his mental health, coupled with his resistance to seeking professional help, adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

Now he is saying I am the problem and has asked me not to talk to anyone about this.

— WifeDetailing the husband's current stance and isolation tactics.

Roe's response validates the wife's pain and explicitly states that she is not to blame. The advice acknowledges the potential impact of a difficult childhood on adult relationships and parenting, suggesting that becoming a parent can be a trigger for unresolved trauma. The column emphasizes that while there are many possibilities for the husband's behavior, the wife is not responsible for his actions and should not internalize the blame. The advice encourages the wife to seek support for herself, as she navigates this challenging period.

He wants us to continue being married, being nice to each other, just in separate beds with no affection, indefinitely.

— WifeExplaining the husband's proposed arrangement for their marriage.
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Originally published by Irish Times. Summarized and contextualized by our editorial team with added local perspective. Read our editorial standards.

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